I had a series of bad dreams last night, and as I remembered them this morning, I realized they were all pretty obviously triggered by various stressors in my waking life. There was the recurring dream I have about driving my car off an embankment into a lake (sometimes it's a bridge); I've never quite figured out what that one's about. There's the one immediately following that where I survived, got out of the car, and walked out of the lake, only to be barely able to walk and ending up in a clinic talking to someone about my pain and being unable to move, and asking my brother to go back and get my shoes and socks. That's about the chronic pain I have that has been worse this past week than it has been in a long time.
And then I dreamed about A, which I almost never do. And it wasn't a happy reunion dream. It was sad and desolate. It was like one of my trips out to visit him, and we were doing things we always did, but he barely spoke to me, and when he did, it was like he was out of it...nothing he was saying seemed like him, or made any sense. He barely seemed to notice or care that I was there. I remember being worried about him in the dream, that he was going senile or some such, and what was I going to do? It was all so sad.
The interpretation of that one seems clear enough: he is far away from me, and I can't reach him, and he won't reach me. I can't get through to him now. And he either can't or won't get through to me. I kind of hoped for an irrefutable sign this weekend; I didn't get one. The dream I got is not one I would've hoped for--one where we could be together and happy for a little bit of dream time; instead, it manifested the insurmountable, depressing distance between us now. If nothingness can be palpable, that's what I feel--a totally one-sided love. I want to believe he loves me still, wherever he is. And I think that I do; but it's a hope I think about, not a fact I can believe. Sometimes I get angry at him, and think, "Well, if you're going to ignore me, I'm going to ignore you, too." And then I wonder if that's exactly what is supposed to happen so that we can get on with getting on with it.
Where's the handbook on all this? He's dead and I'm alive, but I'm in limbo when I try to reconcile those two facts with the love I still feel for him. I don't know what to do with all these loose ends that I thought were tied to him, but no matter how I pull on them, I can't get him any closer to me. Do I tie them off in a knot and hang them up somewhere?