Monday, July 18, 2011

Dreaming of him

I had a series of bad dreams last night, and as I remembered them this morning, I realized they were all pretty obviously triggered by various stressors in my waking life.  There was the recurring dream I have about driving my car off an embankment into a lake (sometimes it's a bridge); I've never quite figured out what that one's about.  There's the one immediately following that where I survived, got out of the car, and walked out of the lake, only to be barely able to walk and ending up in a clinic talking to someone about my pain and being unable to move, and asking my brother to go back and get my shoes and socks.  That's about the chronic pain I have that has been worse this past week than it has been in a long time.

And then I dreamed about A, which I almost never do.  And it wasn't a happy reunion dream.  It was sad and desolate.  It was like one of my trips out to visit him, and we were doing things we always did, but he barely spoke to me, and when he did, it was like he was out of it...nothing he was saying seemed like him, or made any sense.  He barely seemed to notice or care that I was there.  I remember being worried about him in the dream, that he was going senile or some such, and what was I going to do?   It was all so sad.

The interpretation of that one seems clear enough:  he is far away from me, and I can't reach him, and he won't reach me.  I can't get through to him now.  And he either can't or won't get through to me.  I kind of hoped for an irrefutable sign this weekend; I didn't get one.  The dream I got is not one I would've hoped for--one where we could be together and happy for a little bit of dream time; instead, it manifested the insurmountable, depressing distance between us now.  If nothingness can be palpable, that's what I feel--a totally one-sided love.  I want to believe he loves me still, wherever he is.  And I think that I do; but it's a hope I think about, not a fact I can believe.  Sometimes I get angry at him, and think, "Well, if you're going to ignore me, I'm going to ignore you, too."  And then I wonder if that's exactly what is supposed to happen so that we can get on with getting on with it. 

Where's the handbook on all this?  He's dead and I'm alive, but I'm in limbo when I try to reconcile those two facts with the love I still feel for him.  I don't know what to do with all these loose ends that I thought were tied to him, but no matter how I pull on them, I can't get him any closer to me.  Do I tie them off in a knot and hang them up somewhere? 


  1. About me--I had to delete your comment and repost it under my own name, as Blogger will not let me remove your website alone:

    I will soon face the third year of my soul mate being gone. He committed suicide after he found out his wife had cheated on him. I was the love of his life he never told her about...the one he met before her and rebounded from. My husband knew about our ongoing relationship, though we didn't see each other in the 9 years he was married. We never "cheated" technically while married, but we had a daily interaction for years...shared the world with each other. He was my best friend and soulmate and vice versa. I've dealt with my horrible loss for three years...barely able to discuss it because no one knew about him besides my husband. His wife ended up being the one to call and tell me he'd killed himself. She had no idea I existed (well she knew years before that I existed...he just never could tell her how I existed to him after that). My grief is unbelievable still. Reading your story gave me chills. I was an atheist my entire life...I've found his death has required me to reconsider that just because the thought of never being with him again, ever, makes me so sad I can barely breath. I'd like to extend a hand of friendship and understanding to you. I feel completely isolated in this daily struggle with my grief. I had no idea there was anyone out there who could understand what I feel. Thank you!!! Please don't publish a link to my website with this comment...thanks.

  2. It's a strange thing, how many of this have this story, and yet we feel so alone. I know another lady who lost a true love, and could not tell anyone all of how she felt about losing her friend. Another woman who was a friend of my sweetie, and whom I was the one to tell, confided to me that she had been in love with him, but never told him. I reached out to her, but I think it was too hard, because I had had what she had wanted, and we drifted apart pretty quickly. I am sorry you lost your soul mate. I'm going to send you an e-mail, if you want to talk privately. I really think that I would not have made it this far without the understanding and support of other widows. It's a hard thing to do alone. Even 5 1/2 years out now, I still appreciate knowing that I can rely on other widows when it just gets to be too much again.

  3. Oops--I guess I don't have your e-mail address. If you'd like to e-mail, you can at