Sunday, July 6, 2014

Aware and oblivious at the same time

As I have mentioned here before, I have a friend in California who happens to both elderly and in ill health. This makes planning visits tricky, because she really doesn't like company when she's feeling her worst, and neither of us knows when that will be, so even though I'd like to see her more, I have to wait for the high sign from her to plan a trip out, despite her being just 7 hours away by car.  In the meantime, there's always a part of my mind that is on guard with the dread of waiting to receive another death call from California.

The high sign came about 2 weeks ago, and I immediately pulled up my calendar to figure out which dates would work best for me, settling on July 14-17 as the stretch where the fewest things would have to be canceled.  So I must have seen it on my calendar, because it's there (as if I'd ever forget).

But it wasn't until several days later, as I was telling someone when I'd be gone, that I realized I had scheduled myself to be there on the 8th anniversary of A's death, July 15th.  I was worried about dog grooming trips and meetings and gigs and other stuff, I guess--things I have to actually DO.  The day A died is just a thing that is, regardless of what I'm doing that day.  Though I tend to try not overschedule myself.  I like to give myself room to just be alone with my thoughts in the comfortable surroundings of home.  On that particular subject, no one cares to hear them anyway.

On the one hand, I was mildly impressed that that date didn't figure into my trip planning; that it was even possible for me to not ruminate over it and consider changing my plans.  On the other hand, I'm going to be in California on that date, which could be rough.  And while my friend loves me, and understands about A...well, let's just say if I were giving out awards for "Best Supporting Friend in a Drama," she wouldn't have necessarily made the list of nominees.  So I'm not going to hash it out with her that day, even if I feel a need to.  Perhaps I'll just tell her I need a little time at the beach alone to process any feelings that come up, and we'll leave it at that.

And a little part of me hopes, or more accurately, wishes that my being in California will somehow help him find me more easily and let me know he's around.

I don't really know what to expect, but this non-PMS PMS-like irritability I've been feeling lately (and keep forgetting why it might be happening) tells me that I could be in for some rough waters this anniversary.  If only they made Dramamine for that.