Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I've been trying

You know, I've been trying. I've been trying for so long to wade out of the ennui, to shake off the feeling that it's all so futile. I've tried not to focus on the daily mountains of evidence that life is just a long, slow, disappointing slog to the blessed, welcoming grave, harder than it ought to be and punctuated only by the rarest, briefest moments of joy and beauty that are, as I'm feeling today, wholly inadequate to balance the hardship, pain, terror, grief, and bullshit that makes up so much of life, because, frankly, if I do, I've got nothin'. As I tell E, who is Captain Pessimism, bad shit is gonna happen whether I focus on it or not; at least if I focus on the good stuff, I have some light in the darkness. And you know, I thought I had it licked, or at least adequately back-burnered that I could go about my life and enjoy it to a reasonable degree.

But this week, I'm failing.

My dog, my little furry baby boy, is dying. My friend, his vet, says that if his behavior hasn't changed, then we should still only be thinking along treatment lines, because I broached the subject of this being the beginning of the end with her. He is peeing blood, and it isn't stopping; it's getting worse despite antibiotics. It's not just a UTI; we've known he's had a bladder mass since August, but he wasn't healthy enough to have the surgery then, as he has multiple health issues, including a possible adrenal tumor. We chose palliative care until the inevitable end. But I had really hoped the end would be further down the line, and now that I'm seeing the results of our thoughtful, informed decision, I'm second-guessing it. But it is probably too late. No one is telling me that he's dying; not yet. But I know this is the endgame. I know it is. And that'll bring my tally of dead beloveds to one man and two dogs in 4 1/2 years. Thanks, Universe. Thanks for killing the nascent bit of enthusiasm for life I had manage to cobble together, finally. And fuck you, too.

My health, at least on the orthopedic side, is little better than it's been in the last 5 years, which is to say, pretty shitty. I manage to stay mobile and reasonably upright through weekly chiropractic and massage treatments, but I honestly cannot remember a pain-free day. Not one. It's been years and years. The best I am able to manage is to make the pain tolerable, and it is probably only manageable because by now I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I am tired, and there is no help to be had. The only things I haven't tried are Reiki and illegal steroids. And believe me, I've considered both quite seriously.

And eating has become a problem; it seems like it makes me ill most of the time, even though I'm not eating any more or differently than ever. When you can't even enjoy a meal, or even a cookie, anymore, you start to wonder what's left.

And I hardly need to mention that I'm still a widow. Which isn't particularly pertinent to my current bout of exhaustion (though it does seem to flare when I am worn out, no doubt contributing to the previous post), and the self-pity it breeds, except in this: I worked so hard to heal; to bring myself back to life; to regain some semblance of myself to be a decent woman, daughter, friend, wife and engage in my world again; to have a sense of humor again; to not be so dangerously fragile in my feelings. And the question I keep asking myself is, "For what? For this?" Not that it's all so bad; it's just not that good, most of the time, and it just seems to be more of the same, day after day, for all of us. How does one keep herself going? I've had enough of the stick; I need some more fucking carrots. God, I need the whole damn salad bar.

Anybody got a crouton?


  1. I wish I had wisdom, comfort, encouragement.

    But I don't. Sometimes life just sucks all of that out of us, and all we can do is soldier on through, trusting that at some point, we'll catch a break.

    I'm sorry about your beloved beast. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry it's all so effing overwhelming.

    Hugs to you, and a measure of peace ...

  2. Thanks, Alicia; I'll take that. It's hard to trust life anymore, other than to expect it to upset your apple cart again and again. That's the only sure bet I know anymore.

  3. I'm sorry that there is so much crap going on at the moment. I wish I could help, say soothing words, promise it will get better. We all know that there are no guarantees. Except maybe this: you are loved. From across the ether, all over the world, you are loved.

  4. ^^ What she said: A much better answer than mine.

  5. Thanks, Sal. That's what I need to hold on to, and focus on. Thanks for reminding me.

  6. When I first read this post a day or two ago, I was so relieved to hear someone writing what's been swirling in my head--and my heart--the past few weeks. It's so hard for me to remember that bad, difficult times are still going to come, even when I'm "all better now" (snort), and I feel like the freak in the room who can't have a positive outlook on things right now. So that part of me is "glad" for the company in the darkness.

    But too, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. And I second what Sal and Alicia said...and know that you're much loved by many people. Hugs, my friend.