I had a nightmare about A last night. I haven't really had an actual nightmare about him in all these years but for one early on that was clearly about my anxiety about him being alone for 2 whole days before I called the police to find him. I really don't know where this one came from. I'll spare you the dream minutiae that is always tedious for someone being told a dream, but there'd been a freak accident on a beach, and E and I were there, and I went with A to the ER, where they determined he might've had a heart attack. He was trying to unhook himself from monitors and such and I was trying to get him to calm down and stay so he could get help. I was terrified and panicked.
I remembered the dream when I woke up, and as awful as it was, I still had this odd sense that I was glad I dreamed about him, even if it was this. That I would've rather have been panicked and terrified with him in a dreamworld ER than not to have been with him at all. And 12 hours later, that feeling is still with me.
That's how much I miss him. I miss him so much that a nightmare with him is better than the reality without him.