Thursday, February 11, 2010

My obit

I was reading this article today about a gala event in memory of Natasha Richardson. Donna Karan remembered her as "a woman full of joy and happiness." And I thought that was about as good a memory as one could hope to leave. I would love to be remembered that way. I really would.

I don't know if I ever was that person; I might be too sarcastic to ever achieve that. In my own recollection, I can say that there may have been a period of time in my life where that was true; maybe a few. But what I know for sure is that should I die tomorrow, that is not how I will be remembered.

That saddens me. I wish it weren't true.

But in my own defense, I don't have any idea how to become that.

I spent half an hour last night, maybe more, taking apart game pieces for the Albertson's Monopoly game. I played last year, too. I opened all the pieces and dutifully separated the stickers and put them on the game board. 17-18 of them, only to find that I did not, in fact, win big or at all. But wait! There were the online codes I could try, too. I "won" one prize: a coupon for a couple bonus stickers the next time I shopped. That was another 20 minutes. I couldn't really think of anything better to do, though, at the time.

Along with this, I have been entering online daily for the HGTV dream home. I don't play the lottery; it's not that I don't have the same urges and wealth fantasies that other people do; I'm just cheap, and I understand math, so I'm unwilling to blow my cash on impossible odds. But apparently, I'm willing to play if it's free, or money I've already spent anyway. Even as I've been wasting my time on these fantasies, I've been kind of laughing at myself, while genuinely wondering why I seem so serious and diligent about these two ridiculously long shots. And I think it's that I really want, maybe need, to believe that something really hugely and unexpectedly awesome can happen to me again. Because the last thing like that to happen to me died three and a half years ago, and deep down, I wonder if that was it for me, as far as lovely cosmic surprises go. Or rather, fear that it was.

Intellectually, I could say to myself that, as lucky as I've been in life, in love, I have an audacious amount of nerve asking for more. But what I feel is that it's going to be a long rest-of-my-life if I have nothing better to do than drag myself to a job I hate because it kills me with boredom and daily stupidity, drag my tired ass to the grocery store afterwards, and spend my few free hours trying to win sweepstakes prizes. (I certainly wouldn't be alone in this feeling; Powerball jackpots wouldn't be as high as they are if a lot of folks didn't feel this way.) For a long time, I had no hope that I'd survive losing A. Now, I'm looking for the hope that is the spark that keeps us going through adult routine year after year. Once you hit a certain point, there aren't so many milestones or changes that shake up your life for the better, like when you were a kid, or when you have kids. I've got menopause, retirement (if I'm lucky), and death left.

It seems a ridiculous whine, even to me. But while I've learned to live again, I don't have my groove back. I am distinctly lacking in joie de vivre. Am I just spoiled to think that that's something I'm entitled to? People in Haiti are living under tarps, having their legs cut off without anesthetic, and I'm moaning about my severe case of ennui? Maybe I don't need a spark; maybe I need an attitude adjustment; problem is, I don't have either at the moment.

I am so much better than I was. So much stronger. I enjoy my life so much more than I ever thought I would again. Or, more accurately, I enjoy enjoyable moments in my life, if that makes sense; I'm not sure of the life as a whole. And yet...jeez, there are some dark, sad corners within my head. Makes it kind of hard to be a person "full of joy and happiness," no?

1 comment:

  1. I feel exactly the same way. I think one thing that's been really bothering me this past month or so, in a fresh upsurge of grief since the New Year, is that I'm not happy in my life and I so desperately want to be--or at least content. I want to find that old piece of me, the happy person, that's totally eluded me as I've recovered from the worst bits of grief. And then I wonder to myself how I've become so spoiled to expect that happiness should be my birthright. I highly doubt our grandparents, our great-grandparents, expected life to be easy or happy; why should I be any different, knowing what I know now?

    I have some dark, icky, cobwebby corners inside my head too. I know I definitely laugh and feel the joy more fully than I did before Charley died, because the feelings associated with them are more precious and pronounced. But the sadness and hopelessness is pronounced more of the time too, and I certainly didn't feel them--ever--before Charley died. It's rather depressing to think that they'll likely just be a part of my life, a part of me, until I die...or yes, I fantasize, until I win that lottery too. =)

    (And keep in mind, too, that it's pretty easy to be full of "joy and happiness" when you're picking out--or having it exclusively designed--your dream wedding dress. And it's easy (easier?) when you haven't been touched by such a lifelong, soul-shattering loss as we have too.)

    Take care of yourself, my friend.