Thursday, October 15, 2009

3 years, 3 months

I really thought I had nothing left to say on the subject of surviving the death of my sweetheart. I thought I was done blogging about it, because what more could be said that I hadn't said a hundred times already in print, and a million times in my head? But I find myself isolated lately, both in that the passing years have made the reality of my continuing grief, such as it is now, seem, I would guess, stubborn to those who have to put up with hearing about it still, and in the fact that I have disengaged with previous sources of support, namely, the widow bulletin board. And I find I am still struggling on some level, still trying to make sense, to make peace, with this bit of reality that is never going to leave me. And so I turn once again to words, because I do need to talk about this thing that doesn't go away. Ever.

Regarding the bulletin board, I was an active participant there up until a week ago, when a young new widow was broadcasting suicide threats across the internet. I tried to help. A lot of people did; and she brushed all suggestions and offerings aside. And I struggled with the conflicting ideas that here was a true tragedy about to happen that all of us were helpless to stop, and here was a manipulative, dramatic kid who thought this is how you get attention. And while I knew her pain was real, I wanted to shake her, regardless of whichever was true, because you just can't just choose to die. Well, yeah, you can, but it's a bad, wrong, sick choice, which is to say, it's no choice at all. Even at the worst of my grief, I never made a plan to kill myself, no matter how many times I thought it wouldn't be so bad if I just didn't wake up the next day.

Life is hard, and you just don't get to give up, dammit. That being my feeling, and the constant drama of the board suddenly becoming too much for me, I've pulled back. I peek in once a day or so, but it is more of the same, and right now, I just can't deal with it. It was this girl who was crying out for help, but refusing to hear the answering cries, that was the last straw, I think.

I kind of feel like a jerk for walking away, even though I think I have given back to that community. But you can't give what you don't have, and right now, I don't have much. I'm pulling my energies inward and trying to cope with my own stuff. It's not overwhelming, but it is October, and I'm feeling it. October was when my sweetie came to visit my town; we'd hoped to make it an annual event but didn't have time. October was when I traditionally started planning for my January trip to his place; now there is no trip to plan. October is when the days get shorter, and the darkness lengthens until it can reach in and touch your heart. It is a time of melancholy and memories, at least for me, though I doubt I'm alone in this. I guess we'll see.


  1. A virgin post! Hooray! =)

    Grief gets weird after 2 1/2-3 years out, IMO. Life is easier than it was earlier on, so the grief, per se, isn't as clearcut. It's still there, but it's changed...and as I found for myself, shutting down my earlier outlets for understanding--writing, journaling, calling what I was experiencing "grief," telling people what was really going on with me--only made the grief worse. Writing about it and going public with it again--even if it seemed repetitious, the same ol' same ol', or like I was 'stuck' or 'stubborn'--helped. Because in the end, I wasn't writing for other people; I was writing to help myself get through this, understand it better, feel better. And every day was slightly different...and some were exactly the same...but I still needed to write my way out of the dark.

    Glad you're back. Keep 'em coming, even if they're infrequent! Love ya!

    (And I'm so sorry too for that drama on the board. I stopped reading or participating in it only about 5 months after I found it. It was vitally important and a lifeline right at the start, but over time, it was just too much, too overwhelming. I've found the same outlet for giving and receiving support through blogs, and I get a better, more personal, less drama-mama connection through blogs than I ever did on the board. Try not to beat yourself up for it too much. And know that your words, comments, and emails of support have meant the world to me...and it's been in an avenue completely separate from the board. Hugs!)

  2. Thanks for your comment; it hit me where I live. I didn't think I needed it anymore, or needed it so infrequently that it wasn't worth the effort. But this thing called grief keeps morphing, and it's hard to have a handle on it. But I feel better when I have somewhere to put it all, instead of carrying it like some bitter secret.

  3. Hmmmm... It took me a while to find this blog. (All of 2 weeks since its inception!) But I'm glad that I did. Peace to you, my dear.

    The board drama pisses me off. I rarely start a thread there anymore -- just on anniversaries or something. And I tend to reply only to my friends in the BAG forum or to the occasional newly widowed who manages to reach through my cynicism and actually touch me.

    But I'm still there. Not sure why, but I am.